The breaking point....I've finally hit it

I`m doing it, that`s it, I`m done, I`m biting the financial bullet and I`m joining the gym. No amount of walking or intermittent work outs seem to be helping me. Ok, so maybe it clears my head and makes me feel good for a time, yet I swear I continue to gain weight and this makes me depressed, so

ENOUGH ALREADY

My body aches, my knees and hips cannot take this weight, and emotionally I cannot take this body any longer. Even looking down at my hands as I type this, they haven`t looked like my hands in the past two years. This is my breaking point……

RATHER

While out playing soccer with my 9 year old the other night, she completely took me out (intentionally) as she stole the ball (good on her…..oh so very bad for this mommy!) I knew then that was the breaking point.

A few curse words, spoken quite loudly, a jolt of pain to the knee (which has been bothersome again for quite some time already) and a few minutes of remaining on the field before I deemed myself fit to stand, brought on a state of panic in my mind, which brought on the thought of

ENOUGH, THAT`S IT, I CANNOT DO THIS ALONE, I`M NOT DOING MYSELF ANY GOOD BY MAKING EXCUSES

And speaking of excuses, one of my biggest ones is that I don’t go to the gym etc on my daughters time, because I don`t want to take away time that I can be spending with her. Yet, if I cannot run and play and enjoy the time with her because I am broken, whether physically or emotionally then what the hell good am I doing for her?

WAKE UP CALL

Seriously, that’s what it is. I had this discussion with my spin instructor (Jenn) the other night and another mom. We were discussing the problem of trying to fit in working out, whether it be classes or weight training or cardio etc and juggling the needs of the kids and spouse and the guilt that we create ourselves.

GUILT FOR WHAT

Doing something for ourselves to be healthy is nothing to feel guilty about. Setting an example for our children, is nothing to feel guilty about. Setting up our kids to have good, solid, healthy habits, is nothing to feel guilty about. *Thanks Jenn for reminding me of this.

I know from personal experience that you really can do it all (I've done this before!!!!!). You can make it work, you can juggle and you can do it. Life will not end for your kids or your spouse, your house will not fall apart, your groceries and housecleaning and dirty dishes may all still be there when you get home but you will figure out a way to manage it all….and start delegating chores where possible, seriously!

WE ARE ALL FAIRY FUCKING GODMOTHERS SHOOTING SPARKLES OUT OF OUR ASSES WITH THE ABILITY TO DO WHATEVER WE NEED TO DO TO MAKE IT WORK FOR EVERYONE

Because, if you don’t, you will simply fall into your own depressed state, you will hide behind an ever growing fat suit, you will be angry and sad and irrational and then no one is happy.

SO CHOOSE

Choose to live life and enjoy every moment of it and if that means finding time to get your ass to the gym or to wherever or whatever it is that you need to do to get yourself into your own personal

HAPPY PLACE

Or sit out, avoid, make sure everyone else is happy and continue to create your own little inner hell

REALLY IT’S OUR OWN CHOICE…BUT THAT’S WHAT WE FORGET

And, seriously, take a good hard look around. If you are miserable or even slightly miffed with where you are and making excuses and those excuses center around making other people content (children included)….

TAKE A CLOSER LOOK

….because at the end of the day, I would be willing to bet that your unhappiness is rubbing off on them as well and making them not as happy as they deserve to be.

Once you decide to look after you, you realize it’ll make you much more competent to look after them, and maybe make it so they realize that they are able to look after themselves a bit too.

WIN WIN FOR EVERYONE

Wish me luck, gym time for me is going to mean checking that ego of mine at the door and sucking up the fact that I am not anywhere near where I was or where I want to be

BUT I'VE GOT THIS…....

Owning an old home and what it taught me

12 years ago today, I became a first time home owner. I counted down the months and days until that old falling apart home was mine. Little did I know just how many lessons that house would teach me.

I no longer own that home, it was more than I or my marriage at the time could certainly handle. That old house took on more water than I care to ever encounter again! I don’t believe the “old’ house was ever very good for my daughter who spent her first 3 years in that home and constantly sick, beyond typical toddler illness’s at that. We sunk thousands of dollars and thousands of hours into that old house but it was never ending and at the right time, we bailed on it.

Yet……..

I wouldn't trade all of those hours of hard work for anything.

If I had purchased a brand new sub division home, I would never have encountered or understood:

·         What lathe and plaster walls are

·         Knob and tube wiring

·         Knowledge that some people are just not cut out for home improvements (you find this out when you tear down walls and see what some people do (or neglect to do!))

·         Probably never would have understood the true importance of a well-functioning sump pump

·         Valued the character of an old house (and of ourselves and each other)

·         Understood the beauty of old tree’s, yet understood the powers of Mother Nature

·         Learned that I love ripping apart things way more than putting them back together…..I don’t have the patience nor the skill to do so, yet follow direction well

·         Love the feeling of sore muscle and aching hands after a hard day’s work (which will never come from sitting behind a desk all day)

·         Appreciate a fully accessible basement and would prefer to never have a “cellar” again

·         A sense of awe at what you may find when digging in your garden, you never know what people may bury over time

·         Value imperfections, especially well-worn wood floors which bare their marks which simply adds to their character and story (much like the scars on our own bodies)

·         Understood that “custom fit” is not an option yet a necessity with old homes, nothing is built to today’s standards and must be made to fit or special order (which also costs a lot more money!)

·         Felt and seen ghost like visions and a certainty that they truly do exist

·         Valued closets and storage, because it completely lacks in older homes and was not needed as it is it today’s world of overabundance of all things

·         Slept in the cold with no upstairs heat vents

·         Lived without air conditioning and appreciate the luxury of it

·         Understood the importance of teaching children how to navigate the narrow/steep staircases at a very young age

·         Responsibility and to expect the absolute unexpected

Some people thought it was crazy to buy that old falling apart home and maybe financially it was not the best decision ever made, however the personal growth and understanding that I learned of myself and the character that I learned of others was worth every bit of it.

Would I do it again….HELL YES…they are a labour of love and a test of patience, much like parenting a toddler. Just when you think it’s tested your limits, you realized just how far you can be pushed and end your days with a sense of accomplishment (and sometimes lots of worry!)

Sometimes all we need is that inner silence

Do you ever just take a few moments to feel alive?

Alone, no telephone ringing, no text message beeping, no notifications going off, no music playing, no traffic buzzing, no "mom", no "honey", no one and nothing except the sounds of nature and your inner self.

Why is this such a difficult thing for so many of us to find the time to do? Are we really that "needed" that we cannot find more moments like this?

Stepping outside and stepping away, even if it's only stolen in mere minutes here and there is probably one of the most essential things you can do for yourself.

Breathe, breathe in the open air, put your face up to the sun, listen to the birds, listen to the wind and the trees and watch life unfold in front of you, yet at such a different pace than what you are constantly living in.

Perspective comes to you in waves when you take these moments. It's amazing how all of a sudden  something that you've been pondering and mulling over and trying to pinpoint your emotions on, can all of a sudden become crystal clear and so simple. It can actually make you smile, giggle and even shake your head at the fact that you've yet again been over thinking the hell out of whatever it is so badly that you're frazzled and unable to form any rational thoughts.

Today I watched a squirrel jump from tree to tree, it was at least a 10 foot leap, it flew thru the air and I was sad that I didn't have my camera poised to catch the shot, it was amazing to see. It reminded me of a quote a good friend shared with me a while ago:

"Leap and the net will appear"

So absolutely true. In the instance of the squirrel it was a branch, but you get my drift.

This brought my thoughts to another friend and their quote from a few years ago, something to do with deserving a second chance or a do over, or to start again. At the time, I thought they were nuts!

But it was the truth, although at the time I couldn't see it or understand it, nor did I feel as though I deserved it. Yet, we all deserve it, I just hadn't found the one that would open my eyes to this and make it so crystal clear. No matter our age, our circumstances, our situation, nothing matters, we all deserve happiness in whatever form that works for us.

We all have one life ahead of us and it's within our own power to make it our own. Go with your gut, do what you feel is right for you and live your life to be the utmost wonderful, most enjoyable days. It's your life, live it to your fullest adventure and take every risk that comes your way (as long as it puts a smile on your face and a giggle within your heart).

I've got this....each of us does

And then one day I woke up…..crazy, this is how it all started the last time!!!!

Amazing how we live and learn and yet so quickly and easily something happens or many things happen and the stress of it all piles up and up and then BOOM…..fat suit reappears!!!!! Or at least that’s what happens to me.

When my stress levels go up (for whatever reason), when I have internal turmoil going on (again, for a multitude of reasons, could be anything really), I put up walls and when I say walls, I mean I rebuild my fat suit. It’s a complete layer of protection from the outer world, or at least it thinks it is. Honestly it causes me more turmoil and grief opposed to comfort and protection.

57lbs in 3 years, that is what I gained….that is insane! I finally calculated it. I know better, I know how to eat healthy, I know how to work out, I love to be active etc. However, it still happened….again!

 A Struggle that I will have to constantly face.

I've had people look at me over the last couple of years and give small comments

“get back at it, I've seen you do this before, you know how”

‘better get this under control, you don’t want to end up like you did last time’

Or the looks, you know you’re getting the look with the back thought of “why did you gain it back”, “how could you let this happen”, “shouldn't you be doing something about this”…..etc, the list is beyond endless. However, believe me, the negative self talk that I've given myself for the past few years has been well beyond what anyone else has thought or said with or without words.

Let’s be clear

I didn't just let this happen

It happened, yes, however some of which has been completely out of my control.

I’m not taking full accountability here. It’s not like I sucked back endless bags of chips and cases of chocolate bars and ate McDonald’s every day while guzzling slurpies and pigging out on chocolate cakes. Let’s be honest here, I still ate quite healthy for the most part. I would not say that the weight was a factor of bad nutrition. My body was nourished and still is. My portions may have gone out of whack, again, not 57 lbs worth of out of whack though!

My body went into full storage mode. My body decides (as does many bodies out there), that when stressors get out of hand that it should shut down certain things and create havoc everywhere!

Three years ago I hit “fight or flight mode” and haven’t been able to turn it off. Because of this I have put my body through adrenal fatigue, have created a bit of a sluggish liver and countless other organs and internal systems that are certainly not operating at their peak performance rate. Because of this I eventually hit a massive FUNK! When your body is sluggish, eventually you become sluggish too. When things are not working right, eventually it takes its toll on everything!

A whopping 57 pound toll

It wears you down. Physically, emotionally. Simple everyday functions wear you out! Then not only are you emotionally exhausted getting thru your days but the extra weight makes your body hurt, which in turn makes it hard to be overly physical….plus the self-consciousness kicks in and you become embarrassed of your body and then have no desire to be seen attempting to be somewhat active….complete vicious cycle!!!!

Now, it wasn't all lack of exercise, unhappy thoughts and inactivity. Add in some medications that didn't agree with me and caused further havoc (most medications do!)

Eventually the cycle has to break. Not exactly sure how it happens but it does and you know when you've broken it. 

Key note here.......YOU BREAK YOUR OWN CYCLE

Often you break it a few little pieces at a time until eventually you find the best crack and you bust that thing wide open!

The warrior inside of you busts back out and you decide that it’s time to no longer be hiding behind some self-created fat suit that has not provided you with one bit of healthy good love.

You change the cycle, with resistance, of course change never happens overnight. Maybe it starts with baby steps, maybe it starts with further steps back. Regardless it starts with steps.

I may still be doing a cha cha at the moment but I know that I have finally broken the cycle.

Bottom line is, we all step back sometimes, we all have a story, we all have our reasons and not all of which are within our complete control, however the best part is that every single one of us has it inside of us to simply say

“I’ve got this”

Simpy put, it's your path

I just read one of the best quotes EVER! I have no idea who said it or to whom it was even said. I stumbled upon it in someone’s blog post and they stated that “years ago an acquaintance wrote it” and further stated that the sentiment was not directed at them, however they felt the power in it.

It certainly made me stop and think. It made me ponder a few things about my path and most certainly will make someone else out there do the same, therefore I feel that I must share it.

The quote read:

“Sometimes life takes you down path B when you were expecting or hoping for path A. For a time you can't help but try to peek through the trees over at path A, to see what things would be like for you by now if you'd ended up over there. Sometimes you catch a glimpse of the people on that path, and you judge them based on what you imagine you'd do if you weren't stuck over on path B.

But that's all it is -- imagining. And meanwhile, the path you're on is still rolling on ahead of you, and you're missing out on it. It's like trying to drive swiftly and safely while your attention is focused on what's going on six lanes over -- you can't do it, or at least not for very far or very long.

Ultimately you have to stop thinking of the path you're on as path B, as the lesser path. It's your primary route, and should be regarded with all the esteem and interest that status deserves. Eyes on the road ahead of you, kiddo.”

At one point or another, we've all been there. Maybe some of us are there right now. It doesn't matter how you ended up on the path that you didn't plan for, what matters is what you’re going to do on that path.

Bottom line, whether you’re on Path A or Path B, remember it’s your path and no one else’s. Kick up your heals, cause a ruckus, spread some smiles and share some giggles and make it your own.

Live it, learn from it and enjoy every moment of it.