Owning an old home and what it taught me

12 years ago today, I became a first time home owner. I counted down the months and days until that old falling apart home was mine. Little did I know just how many lessons that house would teach me.

I no longer own that home, it was more than I or my marriage at the time could certainly handle. That old house took on more water than I care to ever encounter again! I don’t believe the “old’ house was ever very good for my daughter who spent her first 3 years in that home and constantly sick, beyond typical toddler illness’s at that. We sunk thousands of dollars and thousands of hours into that old house but it was never ending and at the right time, we bailed on it.

Yet……..

I wouldn't trade all of those hours of hard work for anything.

If I had purchased a brand new sub division home, I would never have encountered or understood:

·         What lathe and plaster walls are

·         Knob and tube wiring

·         Knowledge that some people are just not cut out for home improvements (you find this out when you tear down walls and see what some people do (or neglect to do!))

·         Probably never would have understood the true importance of a well-functioning sump pump

·         Valued the character of an old house (and of ourselves and each other)

·         Understood the beauty of old tree’s, yet understood the powers of Mother Nature

·         Learned that I love ripping apart things way more than putting them back together…..I don’t have the patience nor the skill to do so, yet follow direction well

·         Love the feeling of sore muscle and aching hands after a hard day’s work (which will never come from sitting behind a desk all day)

·         Appreciate a fully accessible basement and would prefer to never have a “cellar” again

·         A sense of awe at what you may find when digging in your garden, you never know what people may bury over time

·         Value imperfections, especially well-worn wood floors which bare their marks which simply adds to their character and story (much like the scars on our own bodies)

·         Understood that “custom fit” is not an option yet a necessity with old homes, nothing is built to today’s standards and must be made to fit or special order (which also costs a lot more money!)

·         Felt and seen ghost like visions and a certainty that they truly do exist

·         Valued closets and storage, because it completely lacks in older homes and was not needed as it is it today’s world of overabundance of all things

·         Slept in the cold with no upstairs heat vents

·         Lived without air conditioning and appreciate the luxury of it

·         Understood the importance of teaching children how to navigate the narrow/steep staircases at a very young age

·         Responsibility and to expect the absolute unexpected

Some people thought it was crazy to buy that old falling apart home and maybe financially it was not the best decision ever made, however the personal growth and understanding that I learned of myself and the character that I learned of others was worth every bit of it.

Would I do it again….HELL YES…they are a labour of love and a test of patience, much like parenting a toddler. Just when you think it’s tested your limits, you realized just how far you can be pushed and end your days with a sense of accomplishment (and sometimes lots of worry!)

Sometimes all we need is that inner silence

Do you ever just take a few moments to feel alive?

Alone, no telephone ringing, no text message beeping, no notifications going off, no music playing, no traffic buzzing, no "mom", no "honey", no one and nothing except the sounds of nature and your inner self.

Why is this such a difficult thing for so many of us to find the time to do? Are we really that "needed" that we cannot find more moments like this?

Stepping outside and stepping away, even if it's only stolen in mere minutes here and there is probably one of the most essential things you can do for yourself.

Breathe, breathe in the open air, put your face up to the sun, listen to the birds, listen to the wind and the trees and watch life unfold in front of you, yet at such a different pace than what you are constantly living in.

Perspective comes to you in waves when you take these moments. It's amazing how all of a sudden  something that you've been pondering and mulling over and trying to pinpoint your emotions on, can all of a sudden become crystal clear and so simple. It can actually make you smile, giggle and even shake your head at the fact that you've yet again been over thinking the hell out of whatever it is so badly that you're frazzled and unable to form any rational thoughts.

Today I watched a squirrel jump from tree to tree, it was at least a 10 foot leap, it flew thru the air and I was sad that I didn't have my camera poised to catch the shot, it was amazing to see. It reminded me of a quote a good friend shared with me a while ago:

"Leap and the net will appear"

So absolutely true. In the instance of the squirrel it was a branch, but you get my drift.

This brought my thoughts to another friend and their quote from a few years ago, something to do with deserving a second chance or a do over, or to start again. At the time, I thought they were nuts!

But it was the truth, although at the time I couldn't see it or understand it, nor did I feel as though I deserved it. Yet, we all deserve it, I just hadn't found the one that would open my eyes to this and make it so crystal clear. No matter our age, our circumstances, our situation, nothing matters, we all deserve happiness in whatever form that works for us.

We all have one life ahead of us and it's within our own power to make it our own. Go with your gut, do what you feel is right for you and live your life to be the utmost wonderful, most enjoyable days. It's your life, live it to your fullest adventure and take every risk that comes your way (as long as it puts a smile on your face and a giggle within your heart).

I've got this....each of us does

And then one day I woke up…..crazy, this is how it all started the last time!!!!

Amazing how we live and learn and yet so quickly and easily something happens or many things happen and the stress of it all piles up and up and then BOOM…..fat suit reappears!!!!! Or at least that’s what happens to me.

When my stress levels go up (for whatever reason), when I have internal turmoil going on (again, for a multitude of reasons, could be anything really), I put up walls and when I say walls, I mean I rebuild my fat suit. It’s a complete layer of protection from the outer world, or at least it thinks it is. Honestly it causes me more turmoil and grief opposed to comfort and protection.

57lbs in 3 years, that is what I gained….that is insane! I finally calculated it. I know better, I know how to eat healthy, I know how to work out, I love to be active etc. However, it still happened….again!

 A Struggle that I will have to constantly face.

I've had people look at me over the last couple of years and give small comments

“get back at it, I've seen you do this before, you know how”

‘better get this under control, you don’t want to end up like you did last time’

Or the looks, you know you’re getting the look with the back thought of “why did you gain it back”, “how could you let this happen”, “shouldn't you be doing something about this”…..etc, the list is beyond endless. However, believe me, the negative self talk that I've given myself for the past few years has been well beyond what anyone else has thought or said with or without words.

Let’s be clear

I didn't just let this happen

It happened, yes, however some of which has been completely out of my control.

I’m not taking full accountability here. It’s not like I sucked back endless bags of chips and cases of chocolate bars and ate McDonald’s every day while guzzling slurpies and pigging out on chocolate cakes. Let’s be honest here, I still ate quite healthy for the most part. I would not say that the weight was a factor of bad nutrition. My body was nourished and still is. My portions may have gone out of whack, again, not 57 lbs worth of out of whack though!

My body went into full storage mode. My body decides (as does many bodies out there), that when stressors get out of hand that it should shut down certain things and create havoc everywhere!

Three years ago I hit “fight or flight mode” and haven’t been able to turn it off. Because of this I have put my body through adrenal fatigue, have created a bit of a sluggish liver and countless other organs and internal systems that are certainly not operating at their peak performance rate. Because of this I eventually hit a massive FUNK! When your body is sluggish, eventually you become sluggish too. When things are not working right, eventually it takes its toll on everything!

A whopping 57 pound toll

It wears you down. Physically, emotionally. Simple everyday functions wear you out! Then not only are you emotionally exhausted getting thru your days but the extra weight makes your body hurt, which in turn makes it hard to be overly physical….plus the self-consciousness kicks in and you become embarrassed of your body and then have no desire to be seen attempting to be somewhat active….complete vicious cycle!!!!

Now, it wasn't all lack of exercise, unhappy thoughts and inactivity. Add in some medications that didn't agree with me and caused further havoc (most medications do!)

Eventually the cycle has to break. Not exactly sure how it happens but it does and you know when you've broken it. 

Key note here.......YOU BREAK YOUR OWN CYCLE

Often you break it a few little pieces at a time until eventually you find the best crack and you bust that thing wide open!

The warrior inside of you busts back out and you decide that it’s time to no longer be hiding behind some self-created fat suit that has not provided you with one bit of healthy good love.

You change the cycle, with resistance, of course change never happens overnight. Maybe it starts with baby steps, maybe it starts with further steps back. Regardless it starts with steps.

I may still be doing a cha cha at the moment but I know that I have finally broken the cycle.

Bottom line is, we all step back sometimes, we all have a story, we all have our reasons and not all of which are within our complete control, however the best part is that every single one of us has it inside of us to simply say

“I’ve got this”

Simpy put, it's your path

I just read one of the best quotes EVER! I have no idea who said it or to whom it was even said. I stumbled upon it in someone’s blog post and they stated that “years ago an acquaintance wrote it” and further stated that the sentiment was not directed at them, however they felt the power in it.

It certainly made me stop and think. It made me ponder a few things about my path and most certainly will make someone else out there do the same, therefore I feel that I must share it.

The quote read:

“Sometimes life takes you down path B when you were expecting or hoping for path A. For a time you can't help but try to peek through the trees over at path A, to see what things would be like for you by now if you'd ended up over there. Sometimes you catch a glimpse of the people on that path, and you judge them based on what you imagine you'd do if you weren't stuck over on path B.

But that's all it is -- imagining. And meanwhile, the path you're on is still rolling on ahead of you, and you're missing out on it. It's like trying to drive swiftly and safely while your attention is focused on what's going on six lanes over -- you can't do it, or at least not for very far or very long.

Ultimately you have to stop thinking of the path you're on as path B, as the lesser path. It's your primary route, and should be regarded with all the esteem and interest that status deserves. Eyes on the road ahead of you, kiddo.”

At one point or another, we've all been there. Maybe some of us are there right now. It doesn't matter how you ended up on the path that you didn't plan for, what matters is what you’re going to do on that path.

Bottom line, whether you’re on Path A or Path B, remember it’s your path and no one else’s. Kick up your heals, cause a ruckus, spread some smiles and share some giggles and make it your own.

Live it, learn from it and enjoy every moment of it.

Wise Words "Never let the hand you hold, hold you down"

They say “actions speak louder than words.”

They say “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”

Physical harm is visual to the eye; physical harm can be bandaged and patched up, often healed to the point where there is not even a scar left behind.

 

Words often touch you, move you, infuriate you, lift you up, knock you down, tear you to shreds, break you or scar you more than anything physical.

Words leave you with a feeling, whether it is good or bad, but a feeling that you will never forget.

Maybe it’s your words or maybe it’s the words spoken by someone else, regardless they all leave a mark on your soul.

They say “be sure to taste your words before you spit them out”.

Once spoken, you cannot take them back.

Words can cut you like a knife or they can give you the wings that you need to fly.

I love words and therefore I speak often.

Call me a chatterbox, but when life is good or life is bad I need words.

Words heal me, words allow me to express my thoughts, my emotions, my anger, my sadness, my joy, my excitement, my love, my hopes, my dreams, my passion.

Words allow me to be me.

 I have my own words, tattooed on a spot that I read them everyday

 “Never let the hand you hold

Hold you down”

Call it motivation, call it a reminder, call it a statement, call it permanent; call it as you see it.

I call it

TRUTH

I wear these words where I ensure that I do see them daily, and I absolutely love them.

These words will ensure that I never lose myself again, that I keep my head held high and that I never forget who I am, and will always remain true to me.

Find your words and keep them in your special spot where you can ensure you never lose yourself either.

 

 

Music, it's all in the tunes you play...even if it's in your head!

Music, that’s it!

 

Someone asked me the other day what it was that made me tick. Apparently music should have been my answer. Come to think of it, I’m not sure that I actually answered that question yet….maybe I should. 

Anyway, tonight was hockey night in the Bridge and my daughter and two of my girlfriends came to watch and as soon as I skated off the ice I got these words of advice: 

“You need music in your head, when the music is on you give it your all and skate like hell and when the music stops you straighten up, you get tense and you skate like shit!”  

So maybe that quote isn’t word for word, but it’s pretty damn close.  

Funny thing is, when I take my road bike or mountain bike out and I’m having a hard time keeping pace or making that next climb I tend to sing in my head to push through, so why wouldn’t it be any different for hockey? 

I’ll admit, I love hockey, just like I love my mountain bike and I’m sure if I tried any other sport I’d love it just as much. To be honest it’s the only time that I can ditch all the voices in my head; I can stop thinking or over thinking life and just be. Just be, in the moment 100%. That’s a hard thing to do these days, especially when we’re all so connected. Just be. It’s pretty simple really, yet sometimes it’s really hard to do. 

So, not only do I need to focus on keeping two hands on my stick, keep an eye on the defence player that I’m covering, keep my blades down, keep my stance wide, skate like hell but now I need to sing in my head in order to put it all together in a much better form!

Next question will be this:

What song will I sing? Which one will be my go to?  

Last year, every time I took my road bike out and every time I hit a gruelling climb, I automatically went to “Starships” by Nicki Minaj. It just doesn’t seem like a go to hockey song to be honest.  

My go to for spinning (not that I currently teach), regardless, if I want to get in “spin natzi” gear then it’s “Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting” by Nickelback and Kid Rock or “Burn It To The Ground” by Nickelback or “Better Off” by Theory of a Deadman.  

It’s amazing just what the right music will do for your mood. It can pump you up, it can bring you down or simply mellow you out. 

I have a week to figure out my hockey go to song.  Now I wonder just what it may be.

Why do we stress ourselves so?

Have you ever experienced that moment of panic, the one where you hold your breath for a brief second? You know, to the point where you realize you just stopped breathing? That moment when you didn’t expect the unexpected, where you were going along living life, happy in the moment and then that moment hit.  

They can hit at any given time, so why is it that we’re never prepared? We’re not ready, taken aback, panic stricken for that sheer moment, but why? 

To prolong the moment, if you’re anything like me, your mind starts racing in a billion directions over thinking everything up to that point in time. Trying to figure out why the panic, what is it that you are so afraid of? Then it comes to the debate in your mind of why am I thinking the worst? Especially when you know beyond a doubt that you have done absolutely nothing wrong and you know the worst possible thoughts are merely thoughts that are stuck in your head. 

I had that moment, minutes ago. At the mail box of all things! I opened it up, expecting bills because really what the hell else comes in the mail these days and even the bills really don’t ever need to hit paper copy anymore either, however some things I have yet to change. 

Anyway, I found an extra large envelope in the box and what did I do first? I looked at the return address! And then what happened? I held my breath and thought

WHAT THE HELL NOW?

Seriously that is exactly what I thought and honestly I think I probably even voiced those words out loud. I did, I’m pretty certain of it. 

So, then I decided that I should wait to open the envelope until I was inside my own home, until I was sitting down, until I was in a little bit more of a relaxed state of mind. But who am I kidding? Was I any more relaxed? NO. By the time I walked into my place, sat myself down at the table and ripped that envelope open I had gone thru every possible scenario with arguments as to why and how it could not be any of those terrible thoughts that I had just had. 

Then what happened? 

The first thing I saw in the envelope was a cheque, addressed to me (don’t kid yourself, it wasn’t anything exciting, but it was $67.50 that I didn’t have a moment before). And then I giggled and laughed and smiled and shook my head at the crazy thoughts that I had just put myself thru. The package was a complete package of goodness! It was a celebratory package, filled only with what brings me happy thoughts!

And that’s how we do it, that’s how we stress ourselves out every single day. We stress our selves out over thoughts, our own simple thoughts. Regardless of whether or not there’s any merit to it, anything backing up the possibility of the good, the bad, the ugly. We still do it, all by ourselves without the help of anyone else.  

This was not the blog post that I had anticipated writing considering it is my first in close to a year. However, you’ve got to start somewhere so why not here? 

Be well and keep smiling, life really does get better and everything does fall into place if you ensure you maintain your good character and never let yourself be changed by someone else’s words or actions.

 

Happy thoughts people…..HAPPY THOUGHTS!