I've got this....each of us does

And then one day I woke up…..crazy, this is how it all started the last time!!!!

Amazing how we live and learn and yet so quickly and easily something happens or many things happen and the stress of it all piles up and up and then BOOM…..fat suit reappears!!!!! Or at least that’s what happens to me.

When my stress levels go up (for whatever reason), when I have internal turmoil going on (again, for a multitude of reasons, could be anything really), I put up walls and when I say walls, I mean I rebuild my fat suit. It’s a complete layer of protection from the outer world, or at least it thinks it is. Honestly it causes me more turmoil and grief opposed to comfort and protection.

57lbs in 3 years, that is what I gained….that is insane! I finally calculated it. I know better, I know how to eat healthy, I know how to work out, I love to be active etc. However, it still happened….again!

 A Struggle that I will have to constantly face.

I've had people look at me over the last couple of years and give small comments

“get back at it, I've seen you do this before, you know how”

‘better get this under control, you don’t want to end up like you did last time’

Or the looks, you know you’re getting the look with the back thought of “why did you gain it back”, “how could you let this happen”, “shouldn't you be doing something about this”…..etc, the list is beyond endless. However, believe me, the negative self talk that I've given myself for the past few years has been well beyond what anyone else has thought or said with or without words.

Let’s be clear

I didn't just let this happen

It happened, yes, however some of which has been completely out of my control.

I’m not taking full accountability here. It’s not like I sucked back endless bags of chips and cases of chocolate bars and ate McDonald’s every day while guzzling slurpies and pigging out on chocolate cakes. Let’s be honest here, I still ate quite healthy for the most part. I would not say that the weight was a factor of bad nutrition. My body was nourished and still is. My portions may have gone out of whack, again, not 57 lbs worth of out of whack though!

My body went into full storage mode. My body decides (as does many bodies out there), that when stressors get out of hand that it should shut down certain things and create havoc everywhere!

Three years ago I hit “fight or flight mode” and haven’t been able to turn it off. Because of this I have put my body through adrenal fatigue, have created a bit of a sluggish liver and countless other organs and internal systems that are certainly not operating at their peak performance rate. Because of this I eventually hit a massive FUNK! When your body is sluggish, eventually you become sluggish too. When things are not working right, eventually it takes its toll on everything!

A whopping 57 pound toll

It wears you down. Physically, emotionally. Simple everyday functions wear you out! Then not only are you emotionally exhausted getting thru your days but the extra weight makes your body hurt, which in turn makes it hard to be overly physical….plus the self-consciousness kicks in and you become embarrassed of your body and then have no desire to be seen attempting to be somewhat active….complete vicious cycle!!!!

Now, it wasn't all lack of exercise, unhappy thoughts and inactivity. Add in some medications that didn't agree with me and caused further havoc (most medications do!)

Eventually the cycle has to break. Not exactly sure how it happens but it does and you know when you've broken it. 

Key note here.......YOU BREAK YOUR OWN CYCLE

Often you break it a few little pieces at a time until eventually you find the best crack and you bust that thing wide open!

The warrior inside of you busts back out and you decide that it’s time to no longer be hiding behind some self-created fat suit that has not provided you with one bit of healthy good love.

You change the cycle, with resistance, of course change never happens overnight. Maybe it starts with baby steps, maybe it starts with further steps back. Regardless it starts with steps.

I may still be doing a cha cha at the moment but I know that I have finally broken the cycle.

Bottom line is, we all step back sometimes, we all have a story, we all have our reasons and not all of which are within our complete control, however the best part is that every single one of us has it inside of us to simply say

“I’ve got this”

Simpy put, it's your path

I just read one of the best quotes EVER! I have no idea who said it or to whom it was even said. I stumbled upon it in someone’s blog post and they stated that “years ago an acquaintance wrote it” and further stated that the sentiment was not directed at them, however they felt the power in it.

It certainly made me stop and think. It made me ponder a few things about my path and most certainly will make someone else out there do the same, therefore I feel that I must share it.

The quote read:

“Sometimes life takes you down path B when you were expecting or hoping for path A. For a time you can't help but try to peek through the trees over at path A, to see what things would be like for you by now if you'd ended up over there. Sometimes you catch a glimpse of the people on that path, and you judge them based on what you imagine you'd do if you weren't stuck over on path B.

But that's all it is -- imagining. And meanwhile, the path you're on is still rolling on ahead of you, and you're missing out on it. It's like trying to drive swiftly and safely while your attention is focused on what's going on six lanes over -- you can't do it, or at least not for very far or very long.

Ultimately you have to stop thinking of the path you're on as path B, as the lesser path. It's your primary route, and should be regarded with all the esteem and interest that status deserves. Eyes on the road ahead of you, kiddo.”

At one point or another, we've all been there. Maybe some of us are there right now. It doesn't matter how you ended up on the path that you didn't plan for, what matters is what you’re going to do on that path.

Bottom line, whether you’re on Path A or Path B, remember it’s your path and no one else’s. Kick up your heals, cause a ruckus, spread some smiles and share some giggles and make it your own.

Live it, learn from it and enjoy every moment of it.

Wise Words "Never let the hand you hold, hold you down"

They say “actions speak louder than words.”

They say “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”

Physical harm is visual to the eye; physical harm can be bandaged and patched up, often healed to the point where there is not even a scar left behind.

 

Words often touch you, move you, infuriate you, lift you up, knock you down, tear you to shreds, break you or scar you more than anything physical.

Words leave you with a feeling, whether it is good or bad, but a feeling that you will never forget.

Maybe it’s your words or maybe it’s the words spoken by someone else, regardless they all leave a mark on your soul.

They say “be sure to taste your words before you spit them out”.

Once spoken, you cannot take them back.

Words can cut you like a knife or they can give you the wings that you need to fly.

I love words and therefore I speak often.

Call me a chatterbox, but when life is good or life is bad I need words.

Words heal me, words allow me to express my thoughts, my emotions, my anger, my sadness, my joy, my excitement, my love, my hopes, my dreams, my passion.

Words allow me to be me.

 I have my own words, tattooed on a spot that I read them everyday

 “Never let the hand you hold

Hold you down”

Call it motivation, call it a reminder, call it a statement, call it permanent; call it as you see it.

I call it

TRUTH

I wear these words where I ensure that I do see them daily, and I absolutely love them.

These words will ensure that I never lose myself again, that I keep my head held high and that I never forget who I am, and will always remain true to me.

Find your words and keep them in your special spot where you can ensure you never lose yourself either.

 

 

Music, it's all in the tunes you play...even if it's in your head!

Music, that’s it!

 

Someone asked me the other day what it was that made me tick. Apparently music should have been my answer. Come to think of it, I’m not sure that I actually answered that question yet….maybe I should. 

Anyway, tonight was hockey night in the Bridge and my daughter and two of my girlfriends came to watch and as soon as I skated off the ice I got these words of advice: 

“You need music in your head, when the music is on you give it your all and skate like hell and when the music stops you straighten up, you get tense and you skate like shit!”  

So maybe that quote isn’t word for word, but it’s pretty damn close.  

Funny thing is, when I take my road bike or mountain bike out and I’m having a hard time keeping pace or making that next climb I tend to sing in my head to push through, so why wouldn’t it be any different for hockey? 

I’ll admit, I love hockey, just like I love my mountain bike and I’m sure if I tried any other sport I’d love it just as much. To be honest it’s the only time that I can ditch all the voices in my head; I can stop thinking or over thinking life and just be. Just be, in the moment 100%. That’s a hard thing to do these days, especially when we’re all so connected. Just be. It’s pretty simple really, yet sometimes it’s really hard to do. 

So, not only do I need to focus on keeping two hands on my stick, keep an eye on the defence player that I’m covering, keep my blades down, keep my stance wide, skate like hell but now I need to sing in my head in order to put it all together in a much better form!

Next question will be this:

What song will I sing? Which one will be my go to?  

Last year, every time I took my road bike out and every time I hit a gruelling climb, I automatically went to “Starships” by Nicki Minaj. It just doesn’t seem like a go to hockey song to be honest.  

My go to for spinning (not that I currently teach), regardless, if I want to get in “spin natzi” gear then it’s “Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting” by Nickelback and Kid Rock or “Burn It To The Ground” by Nickelback or “Better Off” by Theory of a Deadman.  

It’s amazing just what the right music will do for your mood. It can pump you up, it can bring you down or simply mellow you out. 

I have a week to figure out my hockey go to song.  Now I wonder just what it may be.

Why do we stress ourselves so?

Have you ever experienced that moment of panic, the one where you hold your breath for a brief second? You know, to the point where you realize you just stopped breathing? That moment when you didn’t expect the unexpected, where you were going along living life, happy in the moment and then that moment hit.  

They can hit at any given time, so why is it that we’re never prepared? We’re not ready, taken aback, panic stricken for that sheer moment, but why? 

To prolong the moment, if you’re anything like me, your mind starts racing in a billion directions over thinking everything up to that point in time. Trying to figure out why the panic, what is it that you are so afraid of? Then it comes to the debate in your mind of why am I thinking the worst? Especially when you know beyond a doubt that you have done absolutely nothing wrong and you know the worst possible thoughts are merely thoughts that are stuck in your head. 

I had that moment, minutes ago. At the mail box of all things! I opened it up, expecting bills because really what the hell else comes in the mail these days and even the bills really don’t ever need to hit paper copy anymore either, however some things I have yet to change. 

Anyway, I found an extra large envelope in the box and what did I do first? I looked at the return address! And then what happened? I held my breath and thought

WHAT THE HELL NOW?

Seriously that is exactly what I thought and honestly I think I probably even voiced those words out loud. I did, I’m pretty certain of it. 

So, then I decided that I should wait to open the envelope until I was inside my own home, until I was sitting down, until I was in a little bit more of a relaxed state of mind. But who am I kidding? Was I any more relaxed? NO. By the time I walked into my place, sat myself down at the table and ripped that envelope open I had gone thru every possible scenario with arguments as to why and how it could not be any of those terrible thoughts that I had just had. 

Then what happened? 

The first thing I saw in the envelope was a cheque, addressed to me (don’t kid yourself, it wasn’t anything exciting, but it was $67.50 that I didn’t have a moment before). And then I giggled and laughed and smiled and shook my head at the crazy thoughts that I had just put myself thru. The package was a complete package of goodness! It was a celebratory package, filled only with what brings me happy thoughts!

And that’s how we do it, that’s how we stress ourselves out every single day. We stress our selves out over thoughts, our own simple thoughts. Regardless of whether or not there’s any merit to it, anything backing up the possibility of the good, the bad, the ugly. We still do it, all by ourselves without the help of anyone else.  

This was not the blog post that I had anticipated writing considering it is my first in close to a year. However, you’ve got to start somewhere so why not here? 

Be well and keep smiling, life really does get better and everything does fall into place if you ensure you maintain your good character and never let yourself be changed by someone else’s words or actions.

 

Happy thoughts people…..HAPPY THOUGHTS!

Taking a look at 2012, time to move ahead

Time certainly doesn’t stop for anyone. Has it really been almost three months since my last blog post?

This is pure craziness to me!

The year is coming to a close, what does that mean to you?

Or
Instead, do you look at it as a new year is about to begin?

Are you a half empty or half full kind of person?

We are all different, that’s what makes each of us so unique.

This year has seen many things for me. Ups, downs and certainly lots of the in between as well.

Ø  I fought a battle and lost…ok, so actually I fought many battles, won some, lost some and some are still pending.

Ø  I talked, I talked alot.

Ø  I watched my kids graduate – my daughter from Kindergarten, my step son from grade 8.

Ø  I met some new friends, many new friends.

Ø  I tried something new, hell; I tried many new things and some I enjoyed more than others and many I will do again and again, happily.

Ø  I graduated and received my diploma.

Ø  I visited with a few old friends.

Ø  I rekindled a few friendships that had been lacking some much needed attention.

Ø  I left my comfort zone, on many occasions.

Ø  I checked my ego at the door a few times and dove in, uneasy with nerves rattled and still managed to come out smiling.

Ø  I took a trip.

Ø  I spent time on the water.

Ø  I sang karaoke, badly!

Ø  I took in many live music venues.

Ø  I laughed, often

Ø  I spent time with my family and friends, remembering some great times and creating some new ones.

Ø  I smiled, sometimes thru tears, but I still smiled, simply because I could.

Ø  I stood before a crowd of people, twice, and delivered a speech of my own words, my own thoughts, my own memories, my own feelings. Once for my sister’s wedding and once for my grandfather’s passing. Both were very important, memorable events, both held completely different emotions, however both were full of great walks down memory lane which left me with smiles on my soul and tears on my heart.

Ø  I made tough decisions and stood behind each one.

Ø  I took chances.

Ø  I spoke from not just my mind but from my heart.

Ø  I had doubts; I had fears, yet pushed forward anyway.

Ø  I was proud, I was carefree, I was happy, and I was sad; I was every emotion in between.

Ø  I listened.

Ø  I wiped tears.

Ø  I held hands in times of need and in times of love.

Ø  I received the greatest hugs.

Ø  I gave out lots of hugs.

Ø  I helped to pick up a few lost souls, dust them off and helped them to find themselves again.

Ø  I sat by and was a friend thru times of great loss, great sadness, great achievements, great accomplishments, fantastic life events.

Ø  I was at times the loudest cheerleader.

Ø  I lent a shoulder, I lent an ear.

Ø  I needed a shoulder, I needed an ear.

Ø  I made excuses.

Ø  I learned some lessons and taught a few as well.

Ø  I pushed the boundaries.

Ø  I took a leap of faith, a few times.

Ø  I got angry.

Ø  I broke the rules.

Ø  I apologized.

Ø  I played hard.

Ø  I had fun.

Ø  I fell, but I got up.

Ø  I lost myself, but I found myself again.

Ø  I have no regrets, because at one time it was exactly how I wanted it to be.

 

And next year, I’m going to do it all again.
 

What about you? I’m sure you can relate to most of my list. I’m sure it’s sparked a few memorable moments from 2012. Think about it.

 

Make some goals, even if you don’t want to voice them. It’s hard to get somewhere new without a bit of direction, which is exactly what a goal will provide.

 

Wishing each and every one of you a passing year full of great memories full of smiles, love, and laughter and much fun and happiness for the upcoming New Year.

Checking the ego at the door!

 

Well, the second week of my women only power skating/ice hockey skills clinic has come and gone and I tell you, talk about having to check my ego at the door. I signed up for Ice Hockey this year and thankfully found a clinic to take at the same time and took the plunge and dove right into both, with a gut full of fear, my head questioning my mental stability and my heart smiling the whole way.

 

Seriously, I never thought of myself as being overly competitive nor did I think that I had an overly high ego, however this clinic is proving to me one thing…..whatever competitive streak I may have, and wherever the hell my ego may sit I may as well leave it all in the dressing room because when I step on that ice it’s a completely different world. One that is certainly foreign to me. Skating is not easy, and I don’t care what anyone says I don’t think it comes naturally. Now don’t get me wrong, I can only go up from here and up I will go and hope to go quite quickly but man oh man will I take a beating while I climb.

 First off, thankfully I know the game, I understand the positions, off side, icing, where and when a play is stopped and started (usually) etc. Three years of ball hockey has certainly afforded me that info…thankfully! Don’t get me wrong, a few rules differ and I am no expert, but the general concept and rules I do at least understand.

 Now, putting on equipment is thankfully straightforward and although I miss my step dad tightening up my skates, I can manage just fine without his assistance, I am a big girl, but honestly he does a much better job than I ever will!

Some of the women in my clinic are friggin rock stars, I will admit I am completely jealous of how they so gracefully swish across the ice, doing beautiful crossovers, stopping on a dime and speeding so quickly across the ice with the puck I may add. They make it look so easy.

I certainly don’t feel graceful and I’m sure I certainly don’t look it either. I did feel more confident today and figure each week it will get easier and I will get better, but graceful I am not!

It’s a little embarrassing, ok so really it’s a lot embarrassing and I can’t believe I’m even admitting this but I am. The drills are fantastic and really how else am I going to learn? You sign up for these adult rec leagues (ball hockey, ice hockey) and there is no practice time, there is no instruction, you show up for your first game and you get pointers and you figure it out as you go and you do improve, or at least I hope everyone improves, all with time.

 Now, taking on ball hockey was one thing and I love every moment of it, however ice hockey is a totally different thing. I miss my runners. I am not an all-star runner but I have two feet, I have two legs, they both work and I give it all I’ve got. Take away the runners and put on some ice skates and look out, I mean seriously look out as I am still having a very hard time stopping!

Until I get my stopping skills down pat this is going to be very difficult. Now, this week was much better, during my drills I actually stopped (for the most part) when I was supposed to, last week I would do a quick turn and proceed. It’s amazing just how good you can get at tight turns when you cannot stop and don’t want to fall down. That’s one skill that I seemed to have managed quite rapidly.

Now, skating backwards is a completely different scenario. I watched our defence players last week with complete aw as they raced backwards down the ice to protect our net. I immediately looked at one of the other girls on the bench and declared right there that there wasn’t a hope in hell of me playing defence. I may not be fast, and I’m working on my accuracy so I may not be the goal scorer, however I certainly wouldn’t be putting any money on me being able to get my ass back to my goalie to offer assistance, so winger I am.

In the clinic we have to skate backwards, and each week I cringe when they yell out this drill. As all of the other girls manage to go from one end of the rink to the other I am lucky if I make it to the blue line, seriously it’s that bad. How hard is it, I’ve got junk in the truck, you gotta hang it out there and make great big C’s with your skates, problem is I make a big C and can’t seem to close the gap and end up in one heck of a mess and although I’m sure to some they find it entertaining I find it terribly embarrassing and frustrating!

Somehow throughout all of these drills I have to also throw a puck in there and believe me, it’s different than the bright orange ball that I’m used to (although I seem to be passing and receiving a pass way better with a puck than I ever have with the ball….go figure). So although I tend to multitask at all times, multitasking for this clinic is simply overwhelming!

Head up, two hands on the stick, stick on the ice, keep the puck moving and whatever drill we happen to be doing. When I’m already concentrating on my balance, trying not to fall down or better yet run into someone, this all quickly becomes almost too much.

So, although I am probably my biggest critic (and no one is allowed to come to watch as I think I just may die of embarrassment), I still manage to do all of this with a smile on my face and the knowledge in my heart that this too will get easier.

Even though this is the most embarrassing hour and a half of my week I can also say that it certainly also provides a complete escape from every other aspect of life. While out on the ice, multitasking and trying not to look like a complete fool there is not a chance that any other thought can run through my mind. It’s kinda like meditation; I focus on me, the ice, the puck and keeping my skates blade down on the ice.

So, I have another eight weeks of checking my ego at the door and as much as I am not a religious person I think I just may have to start each session with a small prayer to survive yet another painfully embarrassing week on the ice.

Thankfully all of the ladies at both the skating clinic and at my ice hockey league are fantastic. They are all just out to have a great time. They pass to you no matter how many times you miss it as they want you to learn, they want you to have fun, they want everyone to participate and have a good time. Its rec, it’s just for fun, it’s just for sport and I absolutely love every single moment of it all, embarrassing or not.

If I have learned anything as I tackle yet another sport, it’s this:

Keep smiling and never be afraid to tackle something new, no matter how embarrassed you are, no matter how “new” you are, no matter how young or how old you are. Face your fears, in time you’ll overcome them and be a better person for it. Share your story and encourage someone else to tackle something new themselves, you never know what door you may be kicking open for someone else.